Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Update

 So I've decided to go with google adsense. It's going to be hard for me to post for a while since I'm working on becoming a paramedic. I'll try to update this every day with some random shit, and maybe do another stream of conscious blog.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Don't like halo? You don't know shit about video games.

IT'S 1998 AND YOU JUST DOWNLOADED BANZAI BUDDY ON YOUR BRAND NEW PENTIUM 2 WITH 500MHZ PROCESSING POWER AND YOU THINK, WOW IN THE YEAR 2000 ILL BE ABLE TO RUN 2 BANZAI BUDDIES AT ONCE IN SPACE FROM A SATTELITE LAUNCHED FROM MOON WE DON'T EVEN KNOW EXISTS YET AND YOU DIDNT KNOW WHAT MALWARE WAS YET AND ADDED YOUR WHOLE C: DRIVE TO NAPSTER SO PEOPLE COULD DOWNLOAD THE LIMP BIZKIT AND DONNA SUMMMER ALBUMS YOU PURCHASED AT TARGET FOR 16.99 AND GOT ALL CONFUSED WHY PEOPLE WERE DOWNLOADING OBSCURE SYSTEM FILES FROM YOU, JUST SITTING THERE IN YOUR DUNGAREES PLAYING BROOD WAR ON ADDERALL AND DRINKING FRUITOPIA AND EATING THE DUNKAROOS YOU FOUND AT THE 99 CENT STORE WHICH GOT YOU TO REMEMBER HOW GOOD SURGE WAS AND HOW IT TOTALLY WASN'T THE CAUSE OF ADD. THEN SUDDENLY YOUR PARENTS AOL ACCOUNT GETS SPAMMED BY PORN ADS AND YOU THINK IT WAS BECAUSE YOU LOOKED AT PORN ON YOUR JOINT ACCOUNT. '007ICPMAFIALEADERTHEREISNOSPOONBIZKIT20
00' BECAUSE YOU DID ON A SHODDY FAKE CELEBRITY PHOTOSHOP SITE WHERE YOU ENTERED YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS TO ENTER SO YOU COULD SEE BRITNEY SPEARS WITH 15% LESS CLOTHING AND SOMEONE ELSES BREASTS BUT TOOK 3 MINUTES TO LOAD ON YOUR 56K MODEM. SO YOU DELETED THE EMAILS AND THEY KEPT COMING AND YOU FINALLY TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU WERE LOOKING AT PORN AND YOUR MOM FLIPS A BITCH BECAUSE OF A LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE SHE SAW ON PORN ADDICTION WHERE THE KID KILLS HIMSELF OR SOMETHING AND YOU LEAVE FOR SCHOOL AT 7AM TO WAIT IN A 2 HOUR LINE OF MIDLIFE CRISIS INSPIRED PT CRUISERS DROPPING OFF THEIR STEP SON OFF TO HIS 3RD RATE MIDDLE SCHOOL WHERE THEYRE TOO AFRAID TO TELL MEXICAN KIDS NOT TO WEAR COLORED BANDANAS BECAUSE A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER HEARD ON FOX NEWS WHILE DRINKING A CARMEL FRAPPACHINO ABOUT MEXICAN GANGS IN LOS ANGELES SO THEY DONT SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY THINK THEYRE GOING TO GET SHOT.

THEN SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH HAPPENS YOUR PARENTS OPEN UP AN AMERICAN FLAG DECAL COMPANY AND MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO MOVE TO THE WINE COUNTRY WHICH COINCIDENTALLY IS STILL PART OF THE SAME SUBURB YOU ALREADY LIVE IN BUT IT MAKES THEM FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE ONE UP ON THE ROBINSONS BECAUSE THEY JUST GOT A BRAND NEW BOAT, RV, ATV,A BMW AND A NEW SWIMMING POOL/KOI POND. SO YOU GO OUT AND BUY THE LATEST CORPORATE CLASS BMW AND ACT LIKE YOUR 'FIRM' BOUGHT IT FOR YOU BUT YOU ACTUALLY JUST DO MORTGAGES BUT ITS STILL A MORTGAGE FIRM RIGHT AND PEOPLE WILL THINK YOURE A LAWYER IF YOU WEAR NICE CLOTHES AND PRETEND TO KNOW THE BILL OF RIGHTS OR SOMETHING.

ANYWAY YOUR FIRM GOES UNDER AND IS REPLACED BY AN AMERICAN FLAG DECAL FACTORY AND YOUR DAD BLAMES CAPITALISM AND BECOMES DEMOCRAT OR SOMETHING BECAUSE HE THINK THATS WHAT THEY HATE I THINK. AND HE SECRETLY DAMNS THE FACT THAT THE DECAL DIDN'T HAVE GOD BLESS AMERICA WRITTEN UNDER IT IN CURSIVE. SO HE SELLS HIS BMW ON EBAY AND FORGET TO CHARGE SHIPPING AND END UP SHIPPING THE CAR TO HAWAII AND NETTING 5K PROFIT AND JUST BUY A KIA WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING OR POWER WINDOWS AND MOM LEAVES HIM FOR A GUY SHE MET ON THE INTERNET FROM FRANCE AND YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HER AGAIN AND YOU HATE YOUR DAD BECAUSE LINKIN PARK SAID SO AND YOU HAVE TO MOVE IN TO THE SHITTY PART OF TOWN WHERE ALL THE HOUSES ARE 8 YEARS OLD AND THAT MEANS THAT DRUG DEALERS LIVE THERE AND YOUR DAD GETS A NEW OFFICE JOB BUT EVERYONE HATES HIM BECAUSE HE LIVES THERE AND YOU MUST BE POOR AND THAT MUST MEAN YOURE A DRUG DEALER AND YOU DRIVE A KIA FOR FUCKS SAKE AND CANT EVEN AFFORD A TICKLE ME ELMO FOR YOUR NOW 16 YEAR OLD KID SMOKING POT IN THE BACK OF HIS FRIENDS ASTRO VAN IN THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT BEFORE HE GOES TO SCHOOL TO LEARN VIRTUALLY NOTHING SO HE CAN GET A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA SO HE CAN GO TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE BECAUSE THERE IS NO SCOLARSHIP FOR WHITEBREAD VICTIM OF FATHER'S MIDLIFE CRISIS AND GOES FOR AN ART DEGREE EVEN THOUGH HE THINKS PICASSO WAS CLASSICAL ART AND HE WAS FROM AMERICA AND CAN'T DRAW A CIRCLE WITHOUT A PROTRACTOR AND MEETS MR ROBBINSONS WIFE IN HIS DRAWING 1 CLASS BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VOCATIONAL NURSE AND FOR SOME REASON THAT DOESNT CONFUSE YOU AND YOU TWO HAVE AN AFFAIR THAT LASTS 3 YEARS, WHICH DURING THIS TIME MRS ROBBINSON DROPS OUT OF COLLEGE BECAUSE SHE FAILED CHEMISTRY BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THE CLASS WAS MORALLY DEGRADING TO HER CHRISTIAN VALUES WHEN SHE GOT MARKED WRONG ON HER FIRST EXAM BECAUSE SHE SAID THAT HOMOGENEOUS MIXTURES WERE WERENT HOMOGENEOUS, THEY WERE JUST CONFUSED AND WERE ACTUALLY HETEROGENEOUS. SHE TELLS EVERYONE THAT COLLEGE LIFE WAS RADICALLY LIBERAL AND DISGRACEFUL AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO COMPROMISE HER DIGNITY FOR HIGHER EDUCATION IN A MANS WORLD WHERE SHE WAS FORCED TO HIT A GLASS CELING. SO SHE TELLS HER RED HAT SOCIETY FRIENDS THAT SHE WENT TO A GREAT COLLEGE AND MAJORED IN DOCTORIAL STUDIES BUT ALL HER FRIENDS ARE HOUSE WIVES SO SHE BECOMES THE PRESIDENT OF THE CLUB AND THEY MEET AT SOUPLANTATION ON THURSDAYS AND THIS SOMEHOW FUELS HER ARROGANCE ALLOWING HER TO THINK SHE ACTUALLY DID GO TO MED SCHOOL OR SOMETHING SO SHE SPENDS HER DAYS LOOKING UP VALUABLE INFORMATION ON VALUABLE RESOURCES LIKE WIKIPEDIA AND MEDSCAPE AND POSTING ON BULLETIN BOARDS AFTER CONTACTING THEIR TECH SUPPORT BECAUSE THEY CANT HAVE THE USERNAME SEXUALLYATTRACTIVEMOM1976WHICHISMYBIRTHDATE198IAMONLY26DONTTELL IS TOO LONG AND SHE WANTS TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THEIR PERSONAL ISSUES BUT ITS ACTUALLY A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ATTEMPT AT GETTING HELP AND ATTENTION FROM OTHER PEOPLE TO FUEL HER MUNCHHAUSENS BECAUSE HEALTH CARE IS SO BAD AND SHE CANT AFFORD ANY MORE ILLEGITIMATE BI DAILY ER BILLS BECAUSE LIKE SHE HAS DIABETES SHE READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA. THEY GIVE HER PROZAC AND SHES FINE UNTIL SHE REALIZES HER HUSBAND DIDNT DO THE LAUNDRY AND GOES BATSHIT INSANE, CUTS OFF ALL HER HAIR AND HAS A FLING WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD COLLEGE GIRL EXPERIMENTING WITH HER SEXUALITY BUT TELLS EVERYONE SHES LESBIAN FOR ATTENTION AND SECRETLY CHEATS ON HER GIRLFRIENDS WITH GUYS. THEN SHE GOES ON HER BLOG AND TALKS ABOUT HOW NOBODY SHOULD TAKE PROZAC BECAUSE ITS BAD AND SHE HAS MEDICAL DEGREES AND EVERYONE BELIEVES HER BECAUSE SHE PASTED MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY ON WIKIPEDIA AND OPENED ANOTHER WINDOW IN INTERNET EXPLORER BECAUSE WHEN SOMEONE TOLD HER TO DOWNLOAD MOZILLA SHE WAS LIKE "GOOGLE IS THE ONLY WEB BROWSER I NEED" SO SHE CLICKS BETWEEN THE TWO INTERNET EXPLORER PAGES ON PROZAC AND GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS FOR CHEMISTRY TERMS AFTER AVOIDING 3 POPUPS ON PENIS ENLARGEMENT AND AFTER FILLING OUT AN IQ TEST AND PAYING 5 DOLLARS TO MAYBE WIN A FREE IPOD SO SHE COULD VIEW HER RESULTS WHICH TOLD HER SHE WAS BRILLIANT WHERE SHE THEN GOT BACK TO EXPLAINING THAT BECAUSE OF THE QUARKS, LEPTONS AND HALOGENS IN A PROZAC MOLECULE IT DISALLOWS THE BRAIN TO MAKE YOU NOT DEPRESSED AND ACTUALLY WORSE BECAUSE THOSE QUARKS LEPTONS AND HALOGENS TURN INTO METALOIDS LIKE ARSENIC AND SERIOUSLY JUST USE LOGIC YOU KNOW? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO EAT METAL?! ITS COMMON SENSE PEOPLE.

SO SHE HEARD FROM LIKE A FRIENDS FRIEND, WHICH WAS THE SAME ONE THAT SAID YOU CANT EAT FISH AND MILK TOGETHER OR YOU WILL DIE SO SHE TRUSTED HER THAT MAOIS WERE GOOD BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU LOSE A LOT OF WEIGHT AND ARENT ADDICTIVE BECAUSE HER DOCTOR WONT GIVE YOU ADDERALL ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY MADE IT ILLEGAL FOR HIM TO GET REALLY COOL COFFEE MUGS AND PENS FROM THE DISTRIBUTOR AND HE STOPPED GIVING OUT SCHEDULED DRUGS ALL TOGETHER AND ACTS LIKE HES IN THE MORAL HIGHGROUND OR SOMETHING AFTER DOING IT HIS HOLE CAREER AND THEY STOPPED PUTTING EPHEDRA IN STACKER. SO YOU TELL ALL YOUR INTERNET FRIENDS THROUGH A CHAIN LETTER WITH A PICTURE OF A WET CAT THAT SAYS "WET CAT LOL" BUT WHEN YOUR SON WAS LOOKING BEHIND YOU HE LAUGHED AND YOU WERE LIKE "LOL THE CATS WET" BUT HE WAS THINKING OF THE GIRL THAT SITS NEXT TO HIM NAKED BUT LIKE AN ADULT WITH BOOBS AND HIS ASSUMPTION OF WHAT A VAGINA LOOKED LIKE AND TOLD HIS MOM HE HAD TO TAKE A SHOWER FOR THE 5TH TIME TODAY BECAUSE HE DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH PRIVACY TO MASTURBATE BECAUSE HE DIDNT WANT TO GO TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL AGAIN LIKE HE HAD TO FOR A SEMESTER BECAUSE HIS MOM FOUND A SHIRT WITH A PRINTED GRAPHIC ON IT AND SAW HIM SKATEBOARDING WHICH SHE HEARD MEANT HE WAS DOING HARDCORE DRUGS LIKE HEROIN AND MARIJUANA AND SHE KNEW THE DANGERS BECAUSE SHE SAW ON THE INTERNET THAT A KID DIED FROM AIDS FROM A USED POT NEEDLE.

SO AFTER SHE GETS ON HER NEW ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND SOME NEW BITCH COMES ON HER FORUM AND STEALS HER SPOTLIGHT AS SELF PROCLAIMED LEADER IN HER EYES BUT REALLY SHE JUST POSTED A THREAD ABOUT AMBIEN AND HOW AFTER TAKING IT SHES ABLE TO GET ENOUGH SLEEP AND DOES A LOT BETTER WORKING AS A PHLEBOTOMIST IN A DOCTORS OFFICE. BUT IN A DELUSIONAL FIT SHE THOUGHT THAT AMBIEN WAS MAKING HER MORE INTELLIGENT AND ALLOWED HER TO BECOME A MEDICAL DOCTOR AFTER A FEW DOSES SO SHE GOES TO HER DOCTOR AND SAYS SHE HAS SLEEP PROBLEMS AND GETS AMBIEN FOR HER ILLEGITIMATE MEDICAL ISSUES. IN A FIT OF EMPTINESS SHE FEELS THE NEED TO REWARD HERSELF FOR GETTING AN IMAGINARY JOB AS A MEDICAL DOCTOR AND GOES TO THE STORE TO BUY 3RD RATE MEXICAN CHOCOLATE BARS FROM WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A 99 CENT STORE TO SUPPORT RACIAL DIVERSITY. SHE GOES HOME AND TAKES HER AMBIEN AND DURING HER DISSASOCIATED FIT OF HYPNOTIC DELUSION CAUSED BY TAKING 4 TIMES THE RECOMMENDED DOSE OF AMBIEN HOPING IT WOULD MAKE HER 4 TIMES SMARTER SHE MADE A LONG,SELF RIGHTEOUS POST ON THE FORUM SHE FREQUENTS ABOUT HOW EVERYONE ON WHATEVER UNPRONOUNCABLE MAOI AND AMBIEN SHOULD REWARD THEMSELVES WITH A BAR OF CHOCOLATE AND SHE EXPLAINED USING IRRELEVANT NAMES OF SUBATOMIC PARTICLES AND ARCHAIC MEDICAL TERMINOLOGIES FROM HER 1965 MEDICAL ATLAS SHE PURCHASED ON AMAZON.COM THAT THE MEDICATION MAKES CHOCOLATE NOT MAKE YOU GAIN WEIGHT .

LATER THE NEXT MORNING SHE TURNS ON HER 57 INCH PROJECTOR SCREEN TV THAT SHE BOUGHT AT SEARS ON SALE FOR A PRICE HIGHER THAN LIST AND SAW THAT 15 PEOPLE ACROSS THE UNITED STATES DIED DURING THE SAME DAY DUE TO CEREBRAL HEMMORAGES CAUSED BY ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND CHOCOLATE.

WITHOUT KNOWING SHE PURCHASED MEXICAN EXLAX WITH ARTIFICIAL CHOCOLATE FLAVORING THIS SPARKS A MESSIAH COMPLEX and I don't know she fucking dies of cancer a couple years later due to years of eating pure crystal light packages. I'm done, that sucked.